Book Submission Information

Dear Self Publishing Author,

I'm sorry I wasn't clear when I asked for your Book Submission Information. There were two parts to that message. I'm sorry you only read the first part.

When I sent you messages last month and last week, outling the information we need, I should have used by English to English translator.


No, I'm actually NOT worried about your ability to revise your manuscript during the proofing rounds.

Sincerely,
Really? You work in the accounting department of your employer? Hope you have the same attention to detail when it comes to your job.

BISAC codes

Dear Self Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your passive-aggressive email, indicating you wish you had known that 3 BISAC codes are allowable for your book.

You're absolutely right: it must be that 3rd BISAC code that is responsible for the lack of sales for your book.

In case you didn't know it, publishing is a very small industry.

Best of luck with your book promotion.

Sincerely,
You've heard the one about catching flies, right?

Justification

Dear Self Publishing Author,

Thank you for your comment today that you should have been advised that your text would be left justified.

My apologies. I thought any of the six times we sent you the proof, you would have used your eyes to know it was not full justified.

Sincerely,
Can I stop holding your hand now?

Hidden costs

Dear Self Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your email asking why you have to pay for royalty-free cover images.

As I explained to you, we require that you purchase them so that the license to use them rests with you and not us. Otherwise, you would have to get our permission in writing each time you use them (and if it's the cover of your book, that would be each time you sell a book).

This is not a hidden cost. I am actually asking you to purchase the images. What is hidden about that?


Sincerely,
I give you a month before you quit.

Pricing

Dear Self Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your email to me 2 months after you've been published complaining about the price of your book.

I can't tell you how happy I am that I spent so much time explaining the process when you signed off on the price.


No, I don't have the power to renegotiate the contract with our distributors so that your book can sell for under $20.

Sincerely,
Maybe the problem isn't the price. Just sayin'

Inquiry

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thank you so much for your message, asking why the design department can't just follow your instructions.

Allow me to apologize for seeking clarification. It is my fault that we bothered you in an attempt to produce the best possible version of your book.

Rest assured, we will be publishing you verbatim from now on.

Sincerely,
Next time we will let you print 'ligancy' instead of 'legacy'

Communication

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your 3 emails today, demanding to speak to me about pricing of your book.

I appreciate your candor when you called our work "unacceptable" and said the cover we designed for you was "week" (sic) and that you didn't like anything about it.

Certainly that impels me to call you. No you didn't misunderstand my email from yesterday with closing statement that you are welcome to chat with me about pricing, however, I didn't see anywhere in that email that said that we chat when it's convenient for you alone.

Please let me educate you on how conversations happen: all parties need to be available.

I can't wait to help you with the last two books of your romantic-suspense trilogy. I'm sure you'll be just delightful.

Sincerely,
Can't wait to talk to you