Dear Self-Publishing Author,
When I accepted you as a friend on Facebook, I did not anticipate you would try to trash the company for which I work, saying that you can't fully express yourself because I might be listening.
I have read your book and what was your excuse then?
Saying the instructions might as well have 'been written in Swahili' doesn't address the instructional video we also presented you.
Hint: if I have already made an appointment to talk you through a system that 80% of our authors need no help with, maybe the problem is not our process.
Maybe you sound drunk each time I talk to you because you have been forced to read your own writing.
Sincerely,
Active Brain Stem
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Scrutinizing Proofs
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Yes, it is unfortunate that the name of your editor is misspelled in the book. When we urge you to pay attention to the contents of your book during revision rounds (using bold and italicized fonts!!!), we mean that you need to actually read through your book.
No, we can't correct your mistakes for free after you have signed off on the proof.
What we plan to do to correct the problem (as per your inquiry) is to suggest that you either pay to make the change or you live with your book as it is.
Sincerely,
Am I speaking English?
Yes, it is unfortunate that the name of your editor is misspelled in the book. When we urge you to pay attention to the contents of your book during revision rounds (using bold and italicized fonts!!!), we mean that you need to actually read through your book.
No, we can't correct your mistakes for free after you have signed off on the proof.
What we plan to do to correct the problem (as per your inquiry) is to suggest that you either pay to make the change or you live with your book as it is.
Sincerely,
Am I speaking English?
Rushes
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Of course I can rush your book so that it is available before 2012.
Thank you for letting me know of the change of delivery address two days after I placed an expensive expedited rush on the delivery of your books.
I appreciate the fact that you let me know, unlike when you wanted your website address on your promotional materials but didn't tell me. I'm sorry my pyschic powers seem to be fading.
Sincerely,
Kreskin's daughter
Of course I can rush your book so that it is available before 2012.
Thank you for letting me know of the change of delivery address two days after I placed an expensive expedited rush on the delivery of your books.
I appreciate the fact that you let me know, unlike when you wanted your website address on your promotional materials but didn't tell me. I'm sorry my pyschic powers seem to be fading.
Sincerely,
Kreskin's daughter
Friday, 29 July 2011
Creative Decisions
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
No, I can't decide the title of your book. No, I can't decide if the cover you will forward me is appropriate. These are creative, artistic decisions and, as this is self-publishing and as you are the author, you are responsible for those decisions.
Yes, I will leave a note for our design department that you want an 'odd' font to illustrate the title of your book.
Perhaps I should explain what self-publishing means (again).
Sincerely,
It's not my book.
No, I can't decide the title of your book. No, I can't decide if the cover you will forward me is appropriate. These are creative, artistic decisions and, as this is self-publishing and as you are the author, you are responsible for those decisions.
Yes, I will leave a note for our design department that you want an 'odd' font to illustrate the title of your book.
Perhaps I should explain what self-publishing means (again).
Sincerely,
It's not my book.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Communication
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
You do have the right to express yourself. I assume that is why you have written a book. However, telling me you're going to create a teeshirt that tells the world how displeased you are with my company is not productive communication.
There are doctors who are trained to listen to you vent. I am not.
Or maybe you could write another scintillating book on the subject as your talents have overwhelmed me.
Sincerely,
Not impressed.
You do have the right to express yourself. I assume that is why you have written a book. However, telling me you're going to create a teeshirt that tells the world how displeased you are with my company is not productive communication.
There are doctors who are trained to listen to you vent. I am not.
Or maybe you could write another scintillating book on the subject as your talents have overwhelmed me.
Sincerely,
Not impressed.
Monday, 25 July 2011
publishing packages
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Please read your descriptions of what is included in your packages carefully.
Please do not act surprised when we have to charge you for more image insertions than your package allows. No, we can't insert 16 more images for free. You do read English, right?
You are at liberty to create a tee shirt that indicates your displeasure with us. I do not believe that "the only thing missing from this deal is the gun".
Sincerely,
Not owning any responsibility for this one
Please read your descriptions of what is included in your packages carefully.
Please do not act surprised when we have to charge you for more image insertions than your package allows. No, we can't insert 16 more images for free. You do read English, right?
You are at liberty to create a tee shirt that indicates your displeasure with us. I do not believe that "the only thing missing from this deal is the gun".
Sincerely,
Not owning any responsibility for this one
Sunday, 24 July 2011
Expectations
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Please pay attention when we describe time frames. It is important to understand that we give you these time frames as guidance.
If you choose to have your work edited (which I encourage!), this will add time to that estimate.
If you choose to have an extra revision round, this will add time to your estimate.
If you need any additional services, this will add time to your estimate.
Please do not act surprised when the time estimate changes because of additional services. Unfortunately, these services take time. No I can't fit these into the original time estimate.
Please also understand that taking a strident tone and becoming rude and demanding will not alter the fact that extra services will take extra time.
Please further understand that while your changes might only take our designers a short time to complete, that you are not the only author with whom we work and it will take some time to get your piece in front of a designer. Please understand that we work with hundreds of authors and endeavor to give each author the same focussed attention. I know you are in a rush because 2012 is coming and everyone will need to read this book, but we have proceedures that must be followed.
Please be advised that telling me what other companies are doing does not alter our process, nor shorten the time it takes to produce a work of quality.
Please be advised that phoning me every other day will not alter our process, nor shorten the time it takes.
Please be advised that our book promotion department has specific experience in their areas, and while you might have graduated from journalism in 1862, that does not mean you know the best way to market your book.
Please be advised that if your target market is college age readers, it might serve you well to listen to our staff, who are college aged and know how that demographic communicates.
Please be advised that becoming obnoxious and rude will not help you achieve the results you like.
Sincerely,
Amazed at lack of courtesy, logic and professionalism of some self-publishing authors.
Please pay attention when we describe time frames. It is important to understand that we give you these time frames as guidance.
If you choose to have your work edited (which I encourage!), this will add time to that estimate.
If you choose to have an extra revision round, this will add time to your estimate.
If you need any additional services, this will add time to your estimate.
Please do not act surprised when the time estimate changes because of additional services. Unfortunately, these services take time. No I can't fit these into the original time estimate.
Please also understand that taking a strident tone and becoming rude and demanding will not alter the fact that extra services will take extra time.
Please further understand that while your changes might only take our designers a short time to complete, that you are not the only author with whom we work and it will take some time to get your piece in front of a designer. Please understand that we work with hundreds of authors and endeavor to give each author the same focussed attention. I know you are in a rush because 2012 is coming and everyone will need to read this book, but we have proceedures that must be followed.
Please be advised that telling me what other companies are doing does not alter our process, nor shorten the time it takes to produce a work of quality.
Please be advised that phoning me every other day will not alter our process, nor shorten the time it takes.
Please be advised that our book promotion department has specific experience in their areas, and while you might have graduated from journalism in 1862, that does not mean you know the best way to market your book.
Please be advised that if your target market is college age readers, it might serve you well to listen to our staff, who are college aged and know how that demographic communicates.
Please be advised that becoming obnoxious and rude will not help you achieve the results you like.
Sincerely,
Amazed at lack of courtesy, logic and professionalism of some self-publishing authors.
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