Post-Publication charges

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks for your call today questioning our bill for designer time for your post-publications revisions.

Remember when we discussed at length that you need to submit the proof in the format you received from us and not in a Word document, because that would mean laying out the book all over again? Do you remember calling the process to make those changes tedious? Do you remember telling us to go ahead and charge you for designer time?

Why then, do you now take the position that you didn't expect the bill to be that large (it is a re-layout, after all) and why do you expect me to see what I can do so that you can have the proof before January (which is when you say you will be able to pay it)?

Seriously?

Sincerely,
Isn't it sad when cousins marry?

book order

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks for your email asking if you can increase your book order.

It's too bad it comes in response to my email of the courier tracking numbers.

So, yes, it is too late to change.

Sincerely,
therearenowords

Sign off

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your voice mail and email today about our eProof sign off form.

I'm so very glad you asked me to explain the differences between the boxes that need to be checked off. You're correct; my magic decoder ring makes English clearer to me than it does for anyone else.

Sincerely,
English/English interpreter extraordinaire

Timing for Book Delivery

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your immediate response to my 'congratulations, your book is available for sale' email.

When I explained to you on Monday that I couldn't ship you 50 books by Saturday because it takes 6 business days to print them, I didn't expect that you would think that I had so much control of space and time that I could make this happen.

I hope you understand that while we can rush the printing and delivery, my control over space-time is so tenuous that these might not make it to you by your deadline.

I, for my part, will work on bending time so that next time we will be able to meet your entirely reasonable deadline.

Sincerely,
Aspiring Time Lord

ISBNs vs. BISAC codes

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thank you so much for the information you forwarded me on ISBNs and why you are on the verge of purchasing 10 of them.

No, you do not need to change the ISBN when you sell outside of the US. What they told you was an outright lie and they probably did that to sell you more product.

Your ISBNs were on the proof of the cover I have sent you (three times!). Ditto for the bar code. Please don't purchase one. It will be a waste of your money.

ISBNs are different from BISAC codes, which is actually what I was wanting you to confirm with me.

I am not sure why you needed to 'investigate' the BISAC codes and then told me that they will not help someone looking for your book. I know that. I explained to you that the codes help book retailers determine the appropriate section for your book.

I am so glad we were able to resolve this by having me read the multiple codes to you over the phone (I was worried that leaving you with this task would result in you returning to me with more unimagined nonsense).

I was hoping you would recognize my expertise as an industry insider, but by all means, please trust the word of a customer service agent in a book store. I am sure she has lots of experience with the self-publishing industry and knows about these things.

Sincerely,
Is there an echo in here?

Search Key words

Dear Self-publishing author,

Thanks so much for your search key words. It was very helpful to receive them after your book is uploaded to our distributors and available for sale and I emailed you to that effect.

I would have hoped that you would have revised them when we were discussing them, a month ago. Thankfully, you waited until we uploaded everything about your book, because I don't know what I would have done with the extra 30 minutes to an hour that it will take me to process this direction.

I'm sure the general words you forwarded to me are much better than the specific search parameters that I suggested. But then again, God will probably help the faithful to find it, in appreciation for the love poems you have written him.

Sincerely,
Good luck finding your book on page 99,998 with those keywords

Design Queue

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

To answer your question, yes, I would take the time to review my 100,000 word piece to make sure it is correct.  I see that you haven't taken my advice, as I returned from lunch to find your eProof sign off on my desk. Sigh. I guess rather than wait two weeks for us to work up the correction you phoned me about, you decided to just rush your book out to the market.


You have paid for 3 hours of extra design time and have already purchased another proofing round, in addition to the 3 you already had. You are now back for Post-Publication Revisions. Perhaps the rush you are in has something to do with the errors you keep finding and returning for us to correct.


No, I can't shrink the Designer queue for you. Yes, I understand it is just one change and one that you say you didn't instruct us to make. I would actually disagree with your statement that it is important to get the change in front of the designers "before they forget the book". I can assure you that our designers don't memorize the projects on which they work. 


I can also assure you that our designers have worked on dozens of project since yours and, as memorable as your work is, would do the same job no matter when you decide to forward the next revisions.



No, I can't put your work in front of the queue, because, as I explained to you on the phone, that would not be fair to our other authors.


I understand that your work is important and that 'everyone will want to read it before 2012' but, unfortunately, that does not justify rearranging the queue priority. 


Sincerely,
See you in a couple of weeks when you discover another error.