Self in self-publishing

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your email asking me to input your About the Author because you don't see it on your system.

Honestly, is there anything you can do for yourself?

Sincerely,
Good luck figuring out how zippers work

Second Book

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thank you so much for your many emails. I can't tell you how much I look forward to them.

I like that you include a personal touch each time,  telling me that I have dropped the ball on your book when in fact, each and every time I was waiting on your materials.

Last week when you asked me if it was time to submit your artwork, I expected to see the artwork. My mistake. Instead I saw an email (a week later) asking about how to submit the artwork and again complaining of the time the process is taking.

As you are publishing your second book with us and have gone through this process before and are resubmitting the same artwork, I (apparently madly) assumed that you were familiar with how we do things. I sent you the instructions again and have yet to hear from you.

I'm sure you'll email me again to tell me that the non-existent progress on your book is my fault. You're right, who wants to catch flies anyway?

Sincerely,
Not your doormat...

Cover content

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your email suggesting that, although this is self-publishing, we should work together to make the best product possible.

Absolutely.

When it comes to content, however, you are the artist and you are responsible for making those choices.

So, no, I can't choose which endorsements to use on your back cover.

Sincerely,
It's not my book. Why don't you ask God, since you're so connected?

Post-Publication charges

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks for your call today questioning our bill for designer time for your post-publications revisions.

Remember when we discussed at length that you need to submit the proof in the format you received from us and not in a Word document, because that would mean laying out the book all over again? Do you remember calling the process to make those changes tedious? Do you remember telling us to go ahead and charge you for designer time?

Why then, do you now take the position that you didn't expect the bill to be that large (it is a re-layout, after all) and why do you expect me to see what I can do so that you can have the proof before January (which is when you say you will be able to pay it)?

Seriously?

Sincerely,
Isn't it sad when cousins marry?

book order

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks for your email asking if you can increase your book order.

It's too bad it comes in response to my email of the courier tracking numbers.

So, yes, it is too late to change.

Sincerely,
therearenowords

Sign off

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your voice mail and email today about our eProof sign off form.

I'm so very glad you asked me to explain the differences between the boxes that need to be checked off. You're correct; my magic decoder ring makes English clearer to me than it does for anyone else.

Sincerely,
English/English interpreter extraordinaire

Timing for Book Delivery

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your immediate response to my 'congratulations, your book is available for sale' email.

When I explained to you on Monday that I couldn't ship you 50 books by Saturday because it takes 6 business days to print them, I didn't expect that you would think that I had so much control of space and time that I could make this happen.

I hope you understand that while we can rush the printing and delivery, my control over space-time is so tenuous that these might not make it to you by your deadline.

I, for my part, will work on bending time so that next time we will be able to meet your entirely reasonable deadline.

Sincerely,
Aspiring Time Lord

ISBNs vs. BISAC codes

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thank you so much for the information you forwarded me on ISBNs and why you are on the verge of purchasing 10 of them.

No, you do not need to change the ISBN when you sell outside of the US. What they told you was an outright lie and they probably did that to sell you more product.

Your ISBNs were on the proof of the cover I have sent you (three times!). Ditto for the bar code. Please don't purchase one. It will be a waste of your money.

ISBNs are different from BISAC codes, which is actually what I was wanting you to confirm with me.

I am not sure why you needed to 'investigate' the BISAC codes and then told me that they will not help someone looking for your book. I know that. I explained to you that the codes help book retailers determine the appropriate section for your book.

I am so glad we were able to resolve this by having me read the multiple codes to you over the phone (I was worried that leaving you with this task would result in you returning to me with more unimagined nonsense).

I was hoping you would recognize my expertise as an industry insider, but by all means, please trust the word of a customer service agent in a book store. I am sure she has lots of experience with the self-publishing industry and knows about these things.

Sincerely,
Is there an echo in here?