Book Submission Information

Dear Self Publishing Author,

I'm sorry I wasn't clear when I asked for your Book Submission Information. There were two parts to that message. I'm sorry you only read the first part.

When I sent you messages last month and last week, outling the information we need, I should have used by English to English translator.


No, I'm actually NOT worried about your ability to revise your manuscript during the proofing rounds.

Sincerely,
Really? You work in the accounting department of your employer? Hope you have the same attention to detail when it comes to your job.

BISAC codes

Dear Self Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your passive-aggressive email, indicating you wish you had known that 3 BISAC codes are allowable for your book.

You're absolutely right: it must be that 3rd BISAC code that is responsible for the lack of sales for your book.

In case you didn't know it, publishing is a very small industry.

Best of luck with your book promotion.

Sincerely,
You've heard the one about catching flies, right?

Justification

Dear Self Publishing Author,

Thank you for your comment today that you should have been advised that your text would be left justified.

My apologies. I thought any of the six times we sent you the proof, you would have used your eyes to know it was not full justified.

Sincerely,
Can I stop holding your hand now?

Hidden costs

Dear Self Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your email asking why you have to pay for royalty-free cover images.

As I explained to you, we require that you purchase them so that the license to use them rests with you and not us. Otherwise, you would have to get our permission in writing each time you use them (and if it's the cover of your book, that would be each time you sell a book).

This is not a hidden cost. I am actually asking you to purchase the images. What is hidden about that?


Sincerely,
I give you a month before you quit.

Pricing

Dear Self Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your email to me 2 months after you've been published complaining about the price of your book.

I can't tell you how happy I am that I spent so much time explaining the process when you signed off on the price.


No, I don't have the power to renegotiate the contract with our distributors so that your book can sell for under $20.

Sincerely,
Maybe the problem isn't the price. Just sayin'

Inquiry

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thank you so much for your message, asking why the design department can't just follow your instructions.

Allow me to apologize for seeking clarification. It is my fault that we bothered you in an attempt to produce the best possible version of your book.

Rest assured, we will be publishing you verbatim from now on.

Sincerely,
Next time we will let you print 'ligancy' instead of 'legacy'

Communication

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your 3 emails today, demanding to speak to me about pricing of your book.

I appreciate your candor when you called our work "unacceptable" and said the cover we designed for you was "week" (sic) and that you didn't like anything about it.

Certainly that impels me to call you. No you didn't misunderstand my email from yesterday with closing statement that you are welcome to chat with me about pricing, however, I didn't see anywhere in that email that said that we chat when it's convenient for you alone.

Please let me educate you on how conversations happen: all parties need to be available.

I can't wait to help you with the last two books of your romantic-suspense trilogy. I'm sure you'll be just delightful.

Sincerely,
Can't wait to talk to you

Book Cover image

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for the image to go on your book cover. When I asked you to attach it to an email, what I meant was don't include it in the body of the email.

Thanks for having your designer send it to me.

I have just one question: what kind of graphic designer doesn't know how to attach an image to an email?

Sincerely,
Is it me?

Self in self-publishing

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your email asking me to input your About the Author because you don't see it on your system.

Honestly, is there anything you can do for yourself?

Sincerely,
Good luck figuring out how zippers work

Second Book

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thank you so much for your many emails. I can't tell you how much I look forward to them.

I like that you include a personal touch each time,  telling me that I have dropped the ball on your book when in fact, each and every time I was waiting on your materials.

Last week when you asked me if it was time to submit your artwork, I expected to see the artwork. My mistake. Instead I saw an email (a week later) asking about how to submit the artwork and again complaining of the time the process is taking.

As you are publishing your second book with us and have gone through this process before and are resubmitting the same artwork, I (apparently madly) assumed that you were familiar with how we do things. I sent you the instructions again and have yet to hear from you.

I'm sure you'll email me again to tell me that the non-existent progress on your book is my fault. You're right, who wants to catch flies anyway?

Sincerely,
Not your doormat...

Cover content

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your email suggesting that, although this is self-publishing, we should work together to make the best product possible.

Absolutely.

When it comes to content, however, you are the artist and you are responsible for making those choices.

So, no, I can't choose which endorsements to use on your back cover.

Sincerely,
It's not my book. Why don't you ask God, since you're so connected?

Post-Publication charges

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks for your call today questioning our bill for designer time for your post-publications revisions.

Remember when we discussed at length that you need to submit the proof in the format you received from us and not in a Word document, because that would mean laying out the book all over again? Do you remember calling the process to make those changes tedious? Do you remember telling us to go ahead and charge you for designer time?

Why then, do you now take the position that you didn't expect the bill to be that large (it is a re-layout, after all) and why do you expect me to see what I can do so that you can have the proof before January (which is when you say you will be able to pay it)?

Seriously?

Sincerely,
Isn't it sad when cousins marry?

book order

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks for your email asking if you can increase your book order.

It's too bad it comes in response to my email of the courier tracking numbers.

So, yes, it is too late to change.

Sincerely,
therearenowords

Sign off

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your voice mail and email today about our eProof sign off form.

I'm so very glad you asked me to explain the differences between the boxes that need to be checked off. You're correct; my magic decoder ring makes English clearer to me than it does for anyone else.

Sincerely,
English/English interpreter extraordinaire

Timing for Book Delivery

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thanks so much for your immediate response to my 'congratulations, your book is available for sale' email.

When I explained to you on Monday that I couldn't ship you 50 books by Saturday because it takes 6 business days to print them, I didn't expect that you would think that I had so much control of space and time that I could make this happen.

I hope you understand that while we can rush the printing and delivery, my control over space-time is so tenuous that these might not make it to you by your deadline.

I, for my part, will work on bending time so that next time we will be able to meet your entirely reasonable deadline.

Sincerely,
Aspiring Time Lord

ISBNs vs. BISAC codes

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thank you so much for the information you forwarded me on ISBNs and why you are on the verge of purchasing 10 of them.

No, you do not need to change the ISBN when you sell outside of the US. What they told you was an outright lie and they probably did that to sell you more product.

Your ISBNs were on the proof of the cover I have sent you (three times!). Ditto for the bar code. Please don't purchase one. It will be a waste of your money.

ISBNs are different from BISAC codes, which is actually what I was wanting you to confirm with me.

I am not sure why you needed to 'investigate' the BISAC codes and then told me that they will not help someone looking for your book. I know that. I explained to you that the codes help book retailers determine the appropriate section for your book.

I am so glad we were able to resolve this by having me read the multiple codes to you over the phone (I was worried that leaving you with this task would result in you returning to me with more unimagined nonsense).

I was hoping you would recognize my expertise as an industry insider, but by all means, please trust the word of a customer service agent in a book store. I am sure she has lots of experience with the self-publishing industry and knows about these things.

Sincerely,
Is there an echo in here?

Search Key words

Dear Self-publishing author,

Thanks so much for your search key words. It was very helpful to receive them after your book is uploaded to our distributors and available for sale and I emailed you to that effect.

I would have hoped that you would have revised them when we were discussing them, a month ago. Thankfully, you waited until we uploaded everything about your book, because I don't know what I would have done with the extra 30 minutes to an hour that it will take me to process this direction.

I'm sure the general words you forwarded to me are much better than the specific search parameters that I suggested. But then again, God will probably help the faithful to find it, in appreciation for the love poems you have written him.

Sincerely,
Good luck finding your book on page 99,998 with those keywords

Design Queue

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

To answer your question, yes, I would take the time to review my 100,000 word piece to make sure it is correct.  I see that you haven't taken my advice, as I returned from lunch to find your eProof sign off on my desk. Sigh. I guess rather than wait two weeks for us to work up the correction you phoned me about, you decided to just rush your book out to the market.


You have paid for 3 hours of extra design time and have already purchased another proofing round, in addition to the 3 you already had. You are now back for Post-Publication Revisions. Perhaps the rush you are in has something to do with the errors you keep finding and returning for us to correct.


No, I can't shrink the Designer queue for you. Yes, I understand it is just one change and one that you say you didn't instruct us to make. I would actually disagree with your statement that it is important to get the change in front of the designers "before they forget the book". I can assure you that our designers don't memorize the projects on which they work. 


I can also assure you that our designers have worked on dozens of project since yours and, as memorable as your work is, would do the same job no matter when you decide to forward the next revisions.



No, I can't put your work in front of the queue, because, as I explained to you on the phone, that would not be fair to our other authors.


I understand that your work is important and that 'everyone will want to read it before 2012' but, unfortunately, that does not justify rearranging the queue priority. 


Sincerely,
See you in a couple of weeks when you discover another error.

Book Return Insurance

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

Thank you for your phone call to let us know you would like to purchase Book Return Insurance on your book that was published 10 months ago. As I explained to you, because the information has already been uploaded to our distributors, it will take the individual bookstores time to note that change in their records.

No, I can't call them myself. There are 25,000. No, I don't know what their internal processes are or how long they will take. As I mentioned to you several times, the last author that decided post-publication to retroactively insure their book was waiting up to 4 months for a large chain to record the change.

No, I can't do anything to speed up the process, as it is not our process. At least I'm glad you now believe me that your book needs insurance to be considered by book retailers for hard copy sales.

Sincerely,
Not talking to hear the sound of my own voice

Manuscript Preparation

Dear Self-Publishing Author,

How wonderful that you began our conversation by telling me you are bi-polar. I guess that excuses the fact that you have now forwarded 3 hard copies of your manuscript to us, despite my telling you that we need it electronically or you need to pay to have the data entered.

I guess that may also excuse the fact that you continually interrupted me and spoke over me while I was attempting to explain our process to you and explain why we don't take hard copies of manuscripts.

That must excuse the fact that even though I said I was in a meeting at 10:30 this morning, you arrived at the office at 10:30, while I was on my way out and continued into the office. I'm sure my colleagues were very happy to assist you. I look forward to their gifts of thanks and appreciation.

Sincerely,
The bi-polar people in my circle would be embarrassed by this behaviour; take your meds.