Dear Self-Publishing Author,
How wonderful that you began our conversation by telling me you are bi-polar. I guess that excuses the fact that you have now forwarded 3 hard copies of your manuscript to us, despite my telling you that we need it electronically or you need to pay to have the data entered.
I guess that may also excuse the fact that you continually interrupted me and spoke over me while I was attempting to explain our process to you and explain why we don't take hard copies of manuscripts.
That must excuse the fact that even though I said I was in a meeting at 10:30 this morning, you arrived at the office at 10:30, while I was on my way out and continued into the office. I'm sure my colleagues were very happy to assist you. I look forward to their gifts of thanks and appreciation.
Sincerely,
The bi-polar people in my circle would be embarrassed by this behaviour; take your meds.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Monday, 29 August 2011
Post-Publication Revisions
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Thanks so much for forwarding your manuscript to me for revision after you published with us. I appreciate that you sent it to me and then the next day (Sunday), revised it and sent it to me again, hoping that this wouldn't 'affect your place in the queue'.
Thanks also for the 8 emails I have received from you today. I know the 40+ other authors I am helping through this process appreciate it when someone who has already published but didn't scrutinize the proofs occupies my time.
Tell me, should I go ahead or wait for the next version which I know is coming?
Sincerely,
Next time actually read it
Thanks so much for forwarding your manuscript to me for revision after you published with us. I appreciate that you sent it to me and then the next day (Sunday), revised it and sent it to me again, hoping that this wouldn't 'affect your place in the queue'.
Thanks also for the 8 emails I have received from you today. I know the 40+ other authors I am helping through this process appreciate it when someone who has already published but didn't scrutinize the proofs occupies my time.
Tell me, should I go ahead or wait for the next version which I know is coming?
Sincerely,
Next time actually read it
Friday, 19 August 2011
follow up calls
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Thanks so much for your numerous voicemails and countless emails in addition to the several times we spoke yesterday. Number crunching to come up with your book pricing is so much easier and quicker when you incessantly interrupt me to ask if I'm finished or to remind me that you're waiting on me.
Really? I think I would have forgotten you needed to talk to our Book Promotion Specialists ASAP because you neglected to mention it in the last 90 seconds of the previous conversation/voicemail/email. Thank you for keeping me on task.
It will be with a great deal of regret that I pass you along. I am already anticipating the joy of the marketing person who will be assigned to you. I'm looking forward to their thank-you gifts.
Sincerely,
Who wants to attract flies anyway?
Thanks so much for your numerous voicemails and countless emails in addition to the several times we spoke yesterday. Number crunching to come up with your book pricing is so much easier and quicker when you incessantly interrupt me to ask if I'm finished or to remind me that you're waiting on me.
Really? I think I would have forgotten you needed to talk to our Book Promotion Specialists ASAP because you neglected to mention it in the last 90 seconds of the previous conversation/voicemail/email. Thank you for keeping me on task.
It will be with a great deal of regret that I pass you along. I am already anticipating the joy of the marketing person who will be assigned to you. I'm looking forward to their thank-you gifts.
Sincerely,
Who wants to attract flies anyway?
Monday, 15 August 2011
Acknowledgment
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Thank you for your email asking that I acknowledge receipt of your manuscript and author photo.
My apologies. I had understood that the email communication we had, wherein I mentioned that I had received these items, constituted acknowledgment.
Why don't you let me know how you would like to be acknowledged? If not by email, how? A note, postcard, letter, package, skywriting? Until I hear from you I will endlessly reproach myself for not having the good sense to know how best to communicate with you. As you have been in North America, Africa and Europe all in the last two weeks, my apologies for assuming that email would be your communication method of choice.
Regarding the quote you would like to have for ordering a million books, can I suggest that we wait on that one until you have actually finalized the proof? It might not make sense to you, but it is easier for us to give you a quote once we know for certain how many pages need to be printed.
Perhaps you should put your talent for clarity to work for the greater good. Solve world hunger or tackle global warming. After only dealing with you for a couple of weeks, I am sure your talent for clarity and realism can only benefit the planet as a whole.
Sincerely,
Should I sky write this?
Thank you for your email asking that I acknowledge receipt of your manuscript and author photo.
My apologies. I had understood that the email communication we had, wherein I mentioned that I had received these items, constituted acknowledgment.
Why don't you let me know how you would like to be acknowledged? If not by email, how? A note, postcard, letter, package, skywriting? Until I hear from you I will endlessly reproach myself for not having the good sense to know how best to communicate with you. As you have been in North America, Africa and Europe all in the last two weeks, my apologies for assuming that email would be your communication method of choice.
Regarding the quote you would like to have for ordering a million books, can I suggest that we wait on that one until you have actually finalized the proof? It might not make sense to you, but it is easier for us to give you a quote once we know for certain how many pages need to be printed.
Perhaps you should put your talent for clarity to work for the greater good. Solve world hunger or tackle global warming. After only dealing with you for a couple of weeks, I am sure your talent for clarity and realism can only benefit the planet as a whole.
Sincerely,
Should I sky write this?
Thursday, 11 August 2011
welcome email
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Thanks for telling me I didn't send the email I can prove I sent you. It helps that you explained to me that you will not chase me. I thank you for clearing that up.
It was wonderful to explain our process to you, while you interrupted me and spoke over me. I'm sure this is the best way for us to communicate and for you to understand our procedure.
Thank you also for making me explain what the links in the welcome email would do. I'm sure the English used to describe the links in the email was insufficient.
Again, I'm very impressed that you used this phone call as an opportunity to decry my company and the self-publishing industry in general. No, it is not a mystery why you are engaging in this process. You're right: "We'll see."
Sincerely,
Working with geniuses here
Thanks for telling me I didn't send the email I can prove I sent you. It helps that you explained to me that you will not chase me. I thank you for clearing that up.
It was wonderful to explain our process to you, while you interrupted me and spoke over me. I'm sure this is the best way for us to communicate and for you to understand our procedure.
Thank you also for making me explain what the links in the welcome email would do. I'm sure the English used to describe the links in the email was insufficient.
Again, I'm very impressed that you used this phone call as an opportunity to decry my company and the self-publishing industry in general. No, it is not a mystery why you are engaging in this process. You're right: "We'll see."
Sincerely,
Working with geniuses here
Friday, 5 August 2011
Distributors
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Thank you for phoning both me and my colleague to resolve missing information issues with our distributor. We're so very sorry. When we initially advised you that the distributors have all of your information but don't always upload everything at once, we didn't realize we were using words that were too big or otherwise incomprehensible to you.
Our apologies.
Maybe this will clear it up, so that you won't have to trouble yourself to leave messages for both of us every 25 minutes:
We can't do anything else.
We are so sorry to have wasted your time. We really hope you are writing a sequel so that we get to work with you again.
Sincerely,
Next time, try decaf
Thank you for phoning both me and my colleague to resolve missing information issues with our distributor. We're so very sorry. When we initially advised you that the distributors have all of your information but don't always upload everything at once, we didn't realize we were using words that were too big or otherwise incomprehensible to you.
Our apologies.
Maybe this will clear it up, so that you won't have to trouble yourself to leave messages for both of us every 25 minutes:
We can't do anything else.
We are so sorry to have wasted your time. We really hope you are writing a sequel so that we get to work with you again.
Sincerely,
Next time, try decaf
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Editing process
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
When I accepted you as a friend on Facebook, I did not anticipate you would try to trash the company for which I work, saying that you can't fully express yourself because I might be listening.
I have read your book and what was your excuse then?
Saying the instructions might as well have 'been written in Swahili' doesn't address the instructional video we also presented you.
Hint: if I have already made an appointment to talk you through a system that 80% of our authors need no help with, maybe the problem is not our process.
Maybe you sound drunk each time I talk to you because you have been forced to read your own writing.
Sincerely,
Active Brain Stem
When I accepted you as a friend on Facebook, I did not anticipate you would try to trash the company for which I work, saying that you can't fully express yourself because I might be listening.
I have read your book and what was your excuse then?
Saying the instructions might as well have 'been written in Swahili' doesn't address the instructional video we also presented you.
Hint: if I have already made an appointment to talk you through a system that 80% of our authors need no help with, maybe the problem is not our process.
Maybe you sound drunk each time I talk to you because you have been forced to read your own writing.
Sincerely,
Active Brain Stem
Scrutinizing Proofs
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Yes, it is unfortunate that the name of your editor is misspelled in the book. When we urge you to pay attention to the contents of your book during revision rounds (using bold and italicized fonts!!!), we mean that you need to actually read through your book.
No, we can't correct your mistakes for free after you have signed off on the proof.
What we plan to do to correct the problem (as per your inquiry) is to suggest that you either pay to make the change or you live with your book as it is.
Sincerely,
Am I speaking English?
Yes, it is unfortunate that the name of your editor is misspelled in the book. When we urge you to pay attention to the contents of your book during revision rounds (using bold and italicized fonts!!!), we mean that you need to actually read through your book.
No, we can't correct your mistakes for free after you have signed off on the proof.
What we plan to do to correct the problem (as per your inquiry) is to suggest that you either pay to make the change or you live with your book as it is.
Sincerely,
Am I speaking English?
Rushes
Dear Self-Publishing Author,
Of course I can rush your book so that it is available before 2012.
Thank you for letting me know of the change of delivery address two days after I placed an expensive expedited rush on the delivery of your books.
I appreciate the fact that you let me know, unlike when you wanted your website address on your promotional materials but didn't tell me. I'm sorry my pyschic powers seem to be fading.
Sincerely,
Kreskin's daughter
Of course I can rush your book so that it is available before 2012.
Thank you for letting me know of the change of delivery address two days after I placed an expensive expedited rush on the delivery of your books.
I appreciate the fact that you let me know, unlike when you wanted your website address on your promotional materials but didn't tell me. I'm sorry my pyschic powers seem to be fading.
Sincerely,
Kreskin's daughter
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